We often cringe at the thought of receiving feedback, even when it’s constructive. Providing such feedback can also be equally, if not more, uncomfortable. But it’s integral to one’s growth, and it would be grossly irresponsible for anyone to withhold meaningful constructive feedback, because giving that feedback makes you feel uncomfortable, or you don’t wish to risk damaging your relationship with that person. The burden of making the working relationship stronger on the back of constructive feedback, rests on the receiver as much as it rests on the giver. If you come across as defensive when receiving such feedback, that’ll likely be the last of such feedback you’ll hear from that person. Kim Scott has a good primer on radical candour and the foundational trust (caring deeply) you need to build to make this a healthy and productive endeavour.
If you are someone who manages a team, you need to lead by example in creating an environment where your employees feel comfortable giving you candid feedback, without fear of retribution. You need to start rewarding those (not financially) who show the courage to speak up, by recognising such feedback publicly. You should broadcast the constructive feedback you receive to create a culture where more people feel comfortable giving candid feedback. Providing constructive feedback can be particularly intimidating for folks who are new to the company and the culture, so watching and listening to others share feedback in an open forum can be a great enabler.
When receiving feedback, resist:
Impulse to defend
Impulse to explain
Impulse to interrupt
Impulse to feel hurt
Impulse to feel misunderstood
Thank them for taking the courage and overcoming the discomfort to give you constructive feedback candidly.
Take a few days to process the feedback. Assess what you need to do differently to address the feedback provided. We are creatures of our habits, so at times you may need to work on certain cues as triggers for you to recognise the situation and act differently. You may also want to review your plan of action with the folks who provided you feedback: “here’s what I heard, and this is what I plan to do differently going forward, let me know if that’s a fair interpretation of what I heard and whether the steps I am proposing will help me get better at it”
Few things to be mindful of when providing constructive feedback:
Attribution error: “the tendency to overemphasize personality-based explanations for behaviors observed while under-emphasizing situational explanations''. Don’t attribute to the individual what can be attributed to their circumstances.
Are you being critical or are you providing constructive feedback? Consider the following example:
“You kept pushing despite mounting evidence to the contrary” v/s
“Your passion for that project was inspiring. However, as you continued to push, despite emerging contradictory evidence, it would have been more credible if you acknowledged the conflicting evidence and shared context on what continued to fuel your conviction. Else you run the risk of appearing self-centered with your pursuits.”
Focus on the actions vs the individual. In other words, avoid broad sweeping statements like “You appeared rather flaky [...]” attributing fault to the individual’s character, which is likely to elicit a defensive response and possibly closes them out from hearing anything you say subsequently. Instead, if there have been instances where you observed someone had been inconsistent with their position, framing the feedback as “I observed you took a different stance on this topic in a recent discussion, and it came as a surprise to me, since I had seen you take a different position on that same issue earlier. I understand you may have gained new context since you took the earlier position, but without disseminating that context and acknowledging your earlier position, it comes across as being flaky”.
Don’t be apologetic about providing candid feedback, hoping that it’ll take the edge off the feedback. Your singular objective in providing constructive feedback is investment in the other person's growth, despite the personal discomfort with the process. And that comes from having invested time much earlier in building a strong foundation of trust in the relationship.
Also, worth recognising that we tend to have an evolutionary bias to spot something negative, rather than finding opportunities to applaud someone for having done something really well. As you work to build the foundation of trust, you should be mindful of whether you are recognising and applauding someone’s strengths and the value they bring, as you are, in highlighting their shortcomings. That’s not to say you should be attempting to layer your constructive feedback between disingenuous positive doses of reinforcement. Feedback is most relevant (and effective) when the situational context is still fresh.
So, go ahead, be a responsible colleague and get time scheduled to provide candid constructive feedback.